As most of you know, we made it to Washington. We are settled into the beauty that is Bellingham and the community there within. We came to serve a man who stirred our spirits and a God who has captivated us. We came to love a people who seemed like unmet relatives of our tribe. We came to learn to be the people we discovered within ourselves at G42. My heart was ready, excited to put to practice the words so boldly spoken in past posts…words spoken over my heart in those 6 months. I was ready to conquer. I was just unprepared for an unknown opponent.
No matter how much we try to release ourselves from expectations–to lay it all out and simply JUMP–don’t you find expectations just seem to creep in? If our hearts aren’t in check, these expectations fly under the radar undetected. I remember when I was a high school softball pitcher. My dad and I would sit down before games and watch tapes of our opponents. We would study their strengths and weaknesses. I would study individual batters to watch their technique. We would prepare to battle a known opponent. I’ve written of the fear which resided within me a few years ago regarding Satan. Too “big”. Too “powerful”. Too “invincible”. What began a release from this fear at G42 was true understanding and revelation of who Satan is…limited. weak. weaponless. I learned to battle against a known opponent.
Conquering an unknown beast can be daunting. There will be times where we must go into a battle with an unknown enemy. But when it comes to our hearts, to be unprepared for battle is an open invitation to fear. It’s something we simply can’t afford when waging war against a kingdom of darkness. Life will throw us curve balls. We will get surprised. But knowing our hearts and knowing who we are enable us to conquer unknown opponents, unknown fears…
A few weeks into arriving in Washington we discovered our first surprise (to be fair, Andrew Shearman did warn us!)–we are going to be parents! Excitement ensued. Joy was shared. And then I began to discover undetected expectations, unknown opponents. For the past 3 months I have been sick. Not just eat a few crackers and manage nausea sick. I’m talking about weakening, unadulterated, can’t get out of bed most days sick. Here I am entering a season of serving and loving and I feel utterly helpless. My house is a disaster. My husband is eating cereal for dinner. A new job finds me unavailable most days. And I…well I am a mess. After several weeks of this cycle of sickness, I lost heart. I ceased to explore my heart and the enemies I was facing. I simply tried to grit my teeth and get through. “This too shall pass”, right?
In the midst of this mess of losing sight of my heart, fear made its way in. I began to doubt the words spoken over my heart. I didn’t trust who I was when there was seemingly no physical evidence of it in my life. Am I hospitable and welcoming? I can’t even keep my house clean and my husband fed let alone do this for the surrounding community. Am I dependable? I call into work most of the time, once again announcing I can’t get out of bed. Am I loving? I fail to pursue people in this community with fervent passion to know their hearts. Am I a servant? All the things I came here to do feel out of reach and our time is running out. Am I joyful? Most days I battle the need to feel joyful in a season with such rich life growing within me. I finally discovered a word yesterday which describes how I feel: disempowered. I left G 42 with a richer, fuller heart knowledge of who I am than I had ever known and now I feel completely disempowered to be that person. Fear told me that person was a lie. Fear said I was incapable of carrying out in the natural what others saw me as in the spiritual.
This is what happens when you cease to care for the heart. Once I understood the word, the fear that I had allowed to come under the radar, I was able to begin conquering and facing the beast. I was able to see the almond branch again, to see spring in a season that felt like winter. I was able to see the veiled lie for what it was and fight the opponent with the weapons at my disposal all along.
So what are your unknown opponents? What doors to fear have you opened in your heart?
War is being waged. Are you still fighting?
Wow. I saw this as a post that a friend commented on and just wanted to connect with you and share an experience. 23 years ago we moved to Marquette Mi. We’d tried for years to conceive and had very specific prophetic words spoken over us. Part of His will came to fruition when we adopted our first son. When we moved up here we were trusting for our second miracle through our birth. It happened…Wow…but I miscarried. I conceived again and had a very difficult and precarious pregnancy (with an active 21/2 yr old in tow). Here we were in a new city. The hidden blessing was the speed with which we were grafted in to our church..because we were NEEDY. God drew us so very near. I remember , very vividly, one day when I read an article about miscarriages. I’d already been on modified bedrest and had stitches in to guard my little one (who, incidentally had started out as a twin…but we lost the other one very early) As I read the article I began to lose my secure footing…I began to doubt and to panic. God had told us that we WOULD give birth. And I KNEW this…but…as I internally thrashed about, I felt the Lord gently poke me, lovingly , and tell me to turn around. I caught sight of a picture of Jesus on the wall. And then I realized that I’d been like a crazy muppet puppet, thrashing and mentally flopping around blindly in fear. As soon as I re-fixed my eyes on the Lord, I was set aright in peace again. A sister in the LOrd used the term “tormented” to describe my muppet- like plunge into fear. I have always remembered that as I go through new fires. And I remember that , sometimes, MY need provides an avenue for someone else to be used. Rest in where you are and know that this time is precious and given by Him on purpose, for you and for others to be blessed. A sister in Him, Berta
Jen!
My goodness… this was so powerful. I am dealing with a piece of this as well [obviously not in the same vain], but this statement really got me, “Fear told me that person was a lie. Fear said I was incapable of carrying out in the natural what others saw me as in the spiritual.” I truly and fully understand this question! I miss you guys, I will be praying for you in ways that align w/ your expressed heart and as Holy Spirit leads.
Keep fighting!
DG